Rubber Spoon Rubber Spoon Rubber Spoon...

The universe is not bending to my will again. So I'm going to make this easy for you universe. Here is a list of things I want by the end of this week. Or there will be hell to pay. Oh, and this is the expurgated version. Trust me, you don't want to be anywhere near the triple X version of this list.

Yo, Universe, Listen Up:

1.) A million dollars in lottery winnings. Haven't bought a lottery ticket ever in my life, probably never will. Don't care. Make it happen.

2.) The erasure of the concept of harm to another human being from our species. Except for me, I can retain mine as I actually have a semblance of impulse control. I promise not to deck anyone.

3.) A random 'kinesis power. Telekinesis, pyrokinesis or cryokinesis are valid options. Surprise me.

4.) The removal of any need for sleep. Night time is very much wasted with the sleep thing. It's the coolest part of the day.

Oh, and giving me the power of pyrokinesis without any control, having me torch myself to death, giving my wife a million dollars in insurance money, and having me never know whether or not the harm thing came true is a cop out. Try again.

If I don't hear back from you by this Friday I'm calling the complaints department and I'm gonna pitch a big fitter.