My Trusty Servant Patsy
JOB OPENING: Trusty Servant Patsy
HR LISTING #15123
Open: 3/1/2005
Closes: COB 3/8/2005
I am now taking applications for my trusty servant. Whatever your name happens to be, I will call you Patsy. Your overall objective will be to assist me in any way I see fit in my what seems like a neverending quest to find a cup.
Pay: $0.00 / hour - not negotiable
Hours: Really quite poor actually - indentured for a lifetime. Also not negotiable.
Benefits: A coconut, halved. A horn, long. Also also not negotiable.
Skillset Requirements:
Horning Blowing
You must be able to blow my horn. Firmness of hold and appropriate lip action will be carefully reviewed on a daily basis.
Coconut Banging
You must be able to bang my coconuts together. Proper grip and steady rhythm a must.
Reality Checks
You must be firmly grounded in the here and now and willing to tell me it's a model when it's only a model.
Shouldering Burdens
You must be able to carry around all my baggage. And there is a lot of it.
Running Away
Must be able to run away while still managing to carry around all my baggage.
Potential Job Hazards:
French persons may taunt you and possibly dump excrement upon your head.
French persons may also lay siege to you using a variety of barnyard animals.
French persons may taunt you a second time.
You may need to take messages for me.
If you think you have what it takes, please respond with your credentials below. This position is bound to fill fast, so please make haste with your application. Prove yourself worthy.
HR LISTING #15123
Open: 3/1/2005
Closes: COB 3/8/2005
I am now taking applications for my trusty servant. Whatever your name happens to be, I will call you Patsy. Your overall objective will be to assist me in any way I see fit in my what seems like a neverending quest to find a cup.
Pay: $0.00 / hour - not negotiable
Hours: Really quite poor actually - indentured for a lifetime. Also not negotiable.
Benefits: A coconut, halved. A horn, long. Also also not negotiable.
Skillset Requirements:
Horning Blowing
You must be able to blow my horn. Firmness of hold and appropriate lip action will be carefully reviewed on a daily basis.
Coconut Banging
You must be able to bang my coconuts together. Proper grip and steady rhythm a must.
Reality Checks
You must be firmly grounded in the here and now and willing to tell me it's a model when it's only a model.
Shouldering Burdens
You must be able to carry around all my baggage. And there is a lot of it.
Running Away
Must be able to run away while still managing to carry around all my baggage.
Potential Job Hazards:
French persons may taunt you and possibly dump excrement upon your head.
French persons may also lay siege to you using a variety of barnyard animals.
French persons may taunt you a second time.
You may need to take messages for me.
If you think you have what it takes, please respond with your credentials below. This position is bound to fill fast, so please make haste with your application. Prove yourself worthy.
6 Comments:
Is this the line to sign up to get a pastry?
*rereads post*
Oh.
You got any doughnuts?
Something tells me you watched the Holy Grail this weekend...
Haven't seen it for months on DVD. It plays in my brain about once every workday fortunately. (I don't have enough digits to count the number of times I've seen it). This is most excellent. I have three candidates. This is brilliant.
So far Beowo1|='s strengths include being a fully broken in bitch which is always a plus when trying to find that "right indentured servant". A strong showing for Beow01|=.
MooCow appears illiterate, which fits the bill rather well I must say. Lacking a basic education keeps those servants right where you want them, beneath you. And yes MooCow I believe we have some Rusty Brown's Ring donuts around here somewhere. Help yourself.
But PRP has brand name recognition, clearly knows what she's talking about and what she's getting into in this endeavor. Smashingly strong candidates all around.
This shall be a most difficult decision.
Hmmm... I think I've come to a conclusion. Beowo1|= would enjoy the position too much, he's out. It's too easy for you Beowo1|=, and we all know what happens to people bored with their work.
MooCow would be too difficult to keep on task. I'm looking for a servant, not a donut-monger pastry-savant.
I've read enough of PRP's blog to know that I'd just as soon not have the pack brought down upon my head with PRP wrath and have the horn sticking out of an unmentionable place on my body after she got fed up with my awful British accent and inane quest. Which I'd deserve probably after about hour one of said position being filled.
I'm formally retracting the opening as of now. I'm sorry for any dismay this may have caused anyone.
*tear*...
Awww crrrrrrrrap. I made a Princess cry. I *hate* it when I do that. But trust me PRP- this is for your own good.
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