Minutes from Grendku Corporation Competency Hearing for Grend31
Notes taken by begrudgingly and under duress by Grendku Industries Service Rep Drone #12.
The following is the transcript of a blogging competency hearing performed by Grendku Legal Department and Inhuman Resources to determine whether or not Grend31 is fit to continue blogging.
Participants included -
Legal Department Representative: (calling itself "Ted" - short for "Astedanecrodys" or something like that.. didn't catch his True Name during my "interview") Sporting his black cloak with greyish trim to it today. Faceless eyes burning a bit more red than orange today under the deep dark hood of his cloak, perhaps from some gastric distress. Probably had Mexican last night. Perhaps two.
Inhuman Resources: (calling itself "Pat" - short for "Patty" *shrug*) I think Patty only has about 1,532 eyes today and just slightly fewer tentacles. They don't pay me enough to count this crap. Her/his/whatevers trail of slime is bluish green today with a hint of pearly white... awwwww... eeew. I'm a summoned fiend and that grosses me out even. Looks like /he/she/it won the toss for the remote for the shock collar.
Grend31: Looking as chipper as he can in his normal business attire (ball gag, straight jacket, shock collar). And by chipper I mean looking like a pile of something that has gone through one.
...............................
... meeting begins...
...............................
Ted: You know why we have brought you here today fleshling?
Pat: Hey! Watch the corporial jabs Ted, some of us require physical manifestations to exist on this forsaken plane. I can have you written up for that!
Ted: *looks blankly at Pat briefly and slowly turns back to Grend* You were tasked in your last posting with a specific objective. Write something so nihilistic and consuming that you drive at least one person mildly insane. You gave us the same drivel you always do fleshl..*ahem*..mortal. I hear that some people even.. giggled. This is completely unacceptable, what do you have to say for yourself?
Grend: Mrrrrfphhllllmmmmmph mmmmnnnnphh mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!
Pat: This is neither the time nor the place for working on your miscommunication goals little man *levels shock collar remote at Grend*
Ted: You teemingly tentacled twit! He's still gagged!
*Grendku Industries Service Rep Drone #12 snickers loudly at this point and is first glared at menacingly by a bajillion eyes from Pat then told to shut his festering maw before he ends up serving as scrapwood to fuel the furnace. I'll be reporting that as harassment to her super after I finish writing this up. What a bitch.*
*a slimy tentacle removes the gag - Grend31 chokes and gasps a bit - I can't help but snicker again*
Grend: Hi Pat. Hi Ted. *smiles* I reaaaaaally hate you guys. *smiles again* I mean it. A lot. A hate that will never die. Ever.
*at this point it's important to note that Pat is beaming from all bajillion eyes looking at Grend31 with a sliver of surpressed pride while Ted is glaring at her with flaming disdain*
Ted: Pat you corpulant foolish bag of viscous pus. (important to note this isn't slander as it's pretty much true) He's buttering you up *again*. You always fall for that one. Need I remind you that you are here on behalf of Inhuman Resources and all things foul that it represents??!!
Pat: *siiiigh* Yes, yes, yeeees, I know Teddles, it's just that he so damned cute when he does that ...and ... and... I forget myself *at this point she levels the remote at Grend31 and gives it a nice long zap / I'll spare you the details here. Really, you don't want to know about the smoke and loss of bladder control*
Grend: *twitches a bit, attempts to smile and musters up*: Yo, Patty, didn't quite catch that...
Pat: *shaking the remote and scornfully noting* Not falling for that trick again little mister. Last time you passed out for nearly half a day on a second zapping. And it was on company time.
Grend: You can't blame me for trying...
Pat: Nope, that I can't deary.
Ted: *sounding as if he's ready to send them both screaming to the deepest bowels of the abyss* Are you two finished now? May we get on with the business at hand? Grend31, IR already has you on an "improvement plan" but apparently whips and chains and restraints and hot pokers aren't making much of a difference in your case...
Grend: Hey Ted, have you ever figured that maybe I'm not cut out for this crap? That maybe I just shouldn't be doing it?
Ted: Need I remind you of your contractual obligation to the Grendku Corporation? Need I remind you of the consequences of not fulfilling this contract? Even you wouldn't tempt Fate so brazenly. Plus we know you are quite capable.
Grend: Oooo. Ya got me there Ted. So what do you propose? I'm bored stiff with this crap, yet you need it done.
Pat: I'll tell you what. I'll take you off the improvement plan if you promise to be a good little boy and write us up some bile once in awhile and blog it up all nice. We'll even take off the objective having someone go a little bonkers from reading it. I mean face it kid, you're no Lovecraft.
Grend: *idiot-boy gets all sarcastic at this point not knowing what's good for him and all* Oh yay Pat. And I suppose you'll even tell me I won't have to take my work home with me anymore as well!
Ted: I suppose we can arrange that. It's highly irregular, and will be frowned upon.
Grend: You're so full of it Ted. There's no way in Your Fiery Hot Home that you'd be able to pull that off with your Boss.
Ted: *shrugs* I'll just tell Him you're doing so much better now. I'm really short on my Lies Objective this quarter anyway. Two birds, one stone.
Grend: *slack-jawed and incredulous* Reeeeeeaaally? Done deal dude. Sign me up.
Pat: I'm so glad we can all see eyes to eye on this. I really need to be off to my next meeting. I've been starving myself for a three days for this downsizing meeting and I'd really hate to pass out from hunger before the feeding frenzy begins.
Grend: Well, don't think that these supposed leniencies makes me hate you guys any less. Seriously. You guys are the worst, most despicable entities I've ever had the displeasure of working with and don't either of you forget it. I hate you guys.
Ted and Pat warmly together: That's soooo going in your permanent file young man.
Grend: Wouldn't have it any other way.
At this point both Ted and Pat leave the meeting room. Ted floats out ominously and Pat oozes out leaving yet another trail of slime for the poor zombie janitors to clean.
Grend: Well, that went swimmingly didn't it Number 12?
Me: Better than most I guess...
Grend: You think they'll be surprised when I don't comply?
Me: Probably not.. this is Grendku Industries after all, nothing really changes here...
The following is the transcript of a blogging competency hearing performed by Grendku Legal Department and Inhuman Resources to determine whether or not Grend31 is fit to continue blogging.
Participants included -
Legal Department Representative: (calling itself "Ted" - short for "Astedanecrodys" or something like that.. didn't catch his True Name during my "interview") Sporting his black cloak with greyish trim to it today. Faceless eyes burning a bit more red than orange today under the deep dark hood of his cloak, perhaps from some gastric distress. Probably had Mexican last night. Perhaps two.
Inhuman Resources: (calling itself "Pat" - short for "Patty" *shrug*) I think Patty only has about 1,532 eyes today and just slightly fewer tentacles. They don't pay me enough to count this crap. Her/his/whatevers trail of slime is bluish green today with a hint of pearly white... awwwww... eeew. I'm a summoned fiend and that grosses me out even. Looks like /he/she/it won the toss for the remote for the shock collar.
Grend31: Looking as chipper as he can in his normal business attire (ball gag, straight jacket, shock collar). And by chipper I mean looking like a pile of something that has gone through one.
...............................
... meeting begins...
...............................
Ted: You know why we have brought you here today fleshling?
Pat: Hey! Watch the corporial jabs Ted, some of us require physical manifestations to exist on this forsaken plane. I can have you written up for that!
Ted: *looks blankly at Pat briefly and slowly turns back to Grend* You were tasked in your last posting with a specific objective. Write something so nihilistic and consuming that you drive at least one person mildly insane. You gave us the same drivel you always do fleshl..*ahem*..mortal. I hear that some people even.. giggled. This is completely unacceptable, what do you have to say for yourself?
Grend: Mrrrrfphhllllmmmmmph mmmmnnnnphh mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!
Pat: This is neither the time nor the place for working on your miscommunication goals little man *levels shock collar remote at Grend*
Ted: You teemingly tentacled twit! He's still gagged!
*Grendku Industries Service Rep Drone #12 snickers loudly at this point and is first glared at menacingly by a bajillion eyes from Pat then told to shut his festering maw before he ends up serving as scrapwood to fuel the furnace. I'll be reporting that as harassment to her super after I finish writing this up. What a bitch.*
*a slimy tentacle removes the gag - Grend31 chokes and gasps a bit - I can't help but snicker again*
Grend: Hi Pat. Hi Ted. *smiles* I reaaaaaally hate you guys. *smiles again* I mean it. A lot. A hate that will never die. Ever.
*at this point it's important to note that Pat is beaming from all bajillion eyes looking at Grend31 with a sliver of surpressed pride while Ted is glaring at her with flaming disdain*
Ted: Pat you corpulant foolish bag of viscous pus. (important to note this isn't slander as it's pretty much true) He's buttering you up *again*. You always fall for that one. Need I remind you that you are here on behalf of Inhuman Resources and all things foul that it represents??!!
Pat: *siiiigh* Yes, yes, yeeees, I know Teddles, it's just that he so damned cute when he does that ...and ... and... I forget myself *at this point she levels the remote at Grend31 and gives it a nice long zap / I'll spare you the details here. Really, you don't want to know about the smoke and loss of bladder control*
Grend: *twitches a bit, attempts to smile and musters up*: Yo, Patty, didn't quite catch that...
Pat: *shaking the remote and scornfully noting* Not falling for that trick again little mister. Last time you passed out for nearly half a day on a second zapping. And it was on company time.
Grend: You can't blame me for trying...
Pat: Nope, that I can't deary.
Ted: *sounding as if he's ready to send them both screaming to the deepest bowels of the abyss* Are you two finished now? May we get on with the business at hand? Grend31, IR already has you on an "improvement plan" but apparently whips and chains and restraints and hot pokers aren't making much of a difference in your case...
Grend: Hey Ted, have you ever figured that maybe I'm not cut out for this crap? That maybe I just shouldn't be doing it?
Ted: Need I remind you of your contractual obligation to the Grendku Corporation? Need I remind you of the consequences of not fulfilling this contract? Even you wouldn't tempt Fate so brazenly. Plus we know you are quite capable.
Grend: Oooo. Ya got me there Ted. So what do you propose? I'm bored stiff with this crap, yet you need it done.
Pat: I'll tell you what. I'll take you off the improvement plan if you promise to be a good little boy and write us up some bile once in awhile and blog it up all nice. We'll even take off the objective having someone go a little bonkers from reading it. I mean face it kid, you're no Lovecraft.
Grend: *idiot-boy gets all sarcastic at this point not knowing what's good for him and all* Oh yay Pat. And I suppose you'll even tell me I won't have to take my work home with me anymore as well!
Ted: I suppose we can arrange that. It's highly irregular, and will be frowned upon.
Grend: You're so full of it Ted. There's no way in Your Fiery Hot Home that you'd be able to pull that off with your Boss.
Ted: *shrugs* I'll just tell Him you're doing so much better now. I'm really short on my Lies Objective this quarter anyway. Two birds, one stone.
Grend: *slack-jawed and incredulous* Reeeeeeaaally? Done deal dude. Sign me up.
Pat: I'm so glad we can all see eyes to eye on this. I really need to be off to my next meeting. I've been starving myself for a three days for this downsizing meeting and I'd really hate to pass out from hunger before the feeding frenzy begins.
Grend: Well, don't think that these supposed leniencies makes me hate you guys any less. Seriously. You guys are the worst, most despicable entities I've ever had the displeasure of working with and don't either of you forget it. I hate you guys.
Ted and Pat warmly together: That's soooo going in your permanent file young man.
Grend: Wouldn't have it any other way.
At this point both Ted and Pat leave the meeting room. Ted floats out ominously and Pat oozes out leaving yet another trail of slime for the poor zombie janitors to clean.
Grend: Well, that went swimmingly didn't it Number 12?
Me: Better than most I guess...
Grend: You think they'll be surprised when I don't comply?
Me: Probably not.. this is Grendku Industries after all, nothing really changes here...
3 Comments:
Faceless eyes burning a bit more red than orange today under the deep dark hood of his cloak, perhaps from some gastric distress. Probably had Mexican last night. Perhaps two.
Funniest thing, ever.
~K
Kate,
Not nearly as humorous as the look on the faces of his dinner right before consumption I'm sure. But hey that's just this one small unhappy wooden demon's perspective.
Swimmer Girl,
As I am demon from some random plane of the Abyss I suppose I do appear a bit "odd". I'll give you some advice though: Never "guess" that a demon is good. Always assume it wholeheartedly.
That makes it so much less work for us to snatch you up and gobble up all your bits when you walk up to us with a friendly smile and ask us how our day is going.
Hungrily,
Grendku Industries Service Rep Drone #12
Mr. Wolf,
I used but one font. I suggest you begin blowing your hot air Blogger-ways.
Tiresomely,
Grendku Industries Service Rep Drone #12
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