Public Service Announcement from Grendku Industries
Memo dated 9/9/2005
To: Whomever bothers to check this ghastly thing pretending to be a blog
It appears the Grend31 may, yet again, be suffering from Work Induced Traumatic Stress disorder. (yes this means he has his WITS about him again.. always a dangerous thing for any employee). Our Inhuman Resources department have been monitoring him closely since his last two posts and it is yet to be decided as to whether or not an intervention is necessary.
He did not come to work today dressed as either a pirate or a ninja, which would have warranted an immediate rerouting of him to one of our quiet cozy "conference rooms" where he would have been stripped, probed, reprogrammed, probed again and reclothed in more suitable business attire. He has been assured by our Legal department that he is not, in fact, a summoned or conjured creature. They've offered to check all their legal grimoires, binding contracts and even give him a formal "board of inquiry" which involves strapping him to a rough board and poking him with heated implements to check him for supernatural qualities. His initial response was that this might be a good idea, which was mildly disturbing, so Legal backed off immediately.
Should anything change with his condition we will notify you as soon as we damn well please. Now begone, as we much in the way of work related suffering to inflict upon him in hopes of ending this once and for all.
-The Management
To: Whomever bothers to check this ghastly thing pretending to be a blog
It appears the Grend31 may, yet again, be suffering from Work Induced Traumatic Stress disorder. (yes this means he has his WITS about him again.. always a dangerous thing for any employee). Our Inhuman Resources department have been monitoring him closely since his last two posts and it is yet to be decided as to whether or not an intervention is necessary.
He did not come to work today dressed as either a pirate or a ninja, which would have warranted an immediate rerouting of him to one of our quiet cozy "conference rooms" where he would have been stripped, probed, reprogrammed, probed again and reclothed in more suitable business attire. He has been assured by our Legal department that he is not, in fact, a summoned or conjured creature. They've offered to check all their legal grimoires, binding contracts and even give him a formal "board of inquiry" which involves strapping him to a rough board and poking him with heated implements to check him for supernatural qualities. His initial response was that this might be a good idea, which was mildly disturbing, so Legal backed off immediately.
Should anything change with his condition we will notify you as soon as we damn well please. Now begone, as we much in the way of work related suffering to inflict upon him in hopes of ending this once and for all.
-The Management
9 Comments:
His initial response was that this might be a good idea, which was mildly disturbing, so Legal backed off immediately.
See, I knew Grend was kinky...
lol
~K
Supplemental to PSA:
Dear Ms. Katehopeeden,
We would like to point out that this was a completely non-sexual event. No orifices were actually to be violated. That would have been redundant with IR's probing. And we are all about efficiency here.
The Legal department feared that his pain threshold may have been at a point where they could have brought about his untimely demise a bit too early. And as his fingers still have a bit of flesh upon them, this was not a risk they were willing to take. We hope this clears up any confusion you may have had regarding things "kinky".
-The Management
I'll sign up for that. Thanks.
Supplement to Supplement to PSA:
Dear Mr. Gustan,
We do not have you on record as an employee here at Grendku Industries. If you wish to become an employee here you must first sign over your immortal soul, firstborn and secondborn. Once we have those things we'd be happy to strap you to the board and poke you with hot things.
-The Management
I appreciate your seemingly reasonable offer of employment. However, I must respectfully decline due to the fact that my soul has long since been sold to the Civilization Franchise of computer games. If they ever decide to give it back, I will contact you again. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Is there any way to volunteer at Grenku Industries, without having to sign over your soul, firstborn and secondborn?
My soul has been sucked out, swallowed and absorbed by the industy I am currently employed in and I understand I will never get it back (even upon leaving said company). And I don't plan on giving birth to children for fear of their being born without souls...
However, the poking and probing spoken of at Grendku always peeks my interest.
I call "next" on a Grend31 poking!
LOL!
Dearest Grendku Industries:
Here at Store-A-Soul we appreciate your business and welcome any and all souls deposited by your employees. Yes! Even the blaock filthy souls!
However, your storage limit soon reaches it's peak. Therefore, we extend to you dearest Grendku Industries our Fall Special!
Double your soul storage space and you pay nothing for a whole year! That's right- ONE WHOLE YEAR!
So what are you waiting for??
Looking forward to a long and hell-bent relationship with you,
Lucifer Yaffa
Addendum to Supplement to Supplement to PSA:
Dear Mr. Gustan,
This is not the first we've heard of Civilization "getting there first". Have no fears though. We are working on acquiring that bit of digital soul-draining real estate just as soon as our Acquisitions department is released from the Federal Pen.
Dear Ms. Dragonfly,
We are sorry to inform you that no activity is allowed at Grendku Industries without first surrendering your immortal spirit/soul/wispy bits over to the company in its/their/complete entirity. We'd apologize if there was any lack of clarity regarding this, but as we are completely evil to bone we normally don't do such things.
Dear Mr. Dewdew,
We've checked our records and you appear to be next in line in the Pick Me I Get to Poke Grend31 with Implements of My Choosing Roster. Please have your implements of poking inspected for proper probosity by Inhuman Resources at once.
Ms. Yaffa,
We would love nothing more than to start up business relations with Store-a-Soul, but there is one small problem. And this is completely confidential mind you. No spreading this around to our competitors. Our Chief Executing Offalness currently is not able to keep a surplus of souls. He/it/whatever it is consumes them at an astounding rate. Even our Legal department cannot keep up with this rate of gluttony. If we ever manage to have a surplus, we have your business card. Nice touch with the printing in human blood.
-The Management
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