Public Service Announcement from Grendku Industries
grend31 has been temporarily relieved of his position here at Grendku Industries. His last two contributions to this space have been reviewed by Inhuman Resources and have been deemed as "something somewhat to their liking". This indicates that he is potentially unstable at the moment and his posting privileges have been revoked until further notice. And by "posting privileges revocation" we mean he's in the pink padded place in the long armed jacket. Tied in the back as is the style for such dress.
We understand he was under some obligation to give you something called "awards" for your contributions last week to Grendku Thursday. We've had to push this project towards our R&D team to actually find out what these "awards" are exactly. We've never heard of such before. Ah, this just in, apparently "awards" are some type of acknowledgement for a job well done. Most peculiar. Typically we just let people continue to retain most of their major organs and refrain from our more "effective" modes of encouraging greater productivity which is good, mind you, because our order for the latest model of barbed whips is still on backorder, shhhh.. don't tell the employees. The idea of presenting something positive to people seems a bit peculiar though as we've always taken it upon ourselves to ride the bleeding edge of cruelty in the name of stockholder profits.
We shall now present the Awards for Last Thursday's Grendku contributions to get this unseemly task behind us. If any of these awards bring you displeasure or do not meet your expectations, please feel free to fill out he necessary forms, schedule the necessary meetings and escalate things to the Executive Orafice as necessary. Please do not feed the Executive Orafice. Oh, and we aren't paying for all the fancy colored pixels either. Just be happy you are getting your awards at all.
katehopeeden will receive an award for her first creation, which R&D informs us is a "haiku". We agree with katehopeeden and believe that all of you should be offering more to us. We have high expectations of what we should get from each and every one of you. Your emotional energy certainly would fine but we would prefer that you sign over your Immortal Souls for our consumption. Please see Inhuman Resources for the necessary forms and contracts. We understand Grend31 typically tries to take time to find a creative name for these creations, but we have found no documentation which legally binds us to this commitment. Therefore we are calling katehopeeden's haiku Emotionally. Just remember, when you complain about us as non-creative soulless refuse in upper management, we're simply filling that much needed void in your life for such complaints. Now, for the award. katehopeeden shall receive the 'Dorse the Devil's Deed on the Drawn-out Dotted Dash Award.
dewdew will also receive an award for his first creation, also one of these "haikus". Not so much for the weathery images it gives us, but more for the fact that it pleasantly reminds us of the giant silver balls we have stationed above all of our employee's cubes. If an employee tries to get up before their daily prewaste intake / waste-expunging break, a giant blue bolt of electricity comes flashing down from high. IR is very proud of this invention. dewdew for making us chuckle at the pain we bring to others we are going to give you the Bringer of the Bitter Blue Bolt Award for Flicker, flicker, flash.
darth's solo entry this week, which we are naming goddess of weather, has caused a bit of an uproar in the office here. You see, we had a part in getting Ms. Berry that part. Well, our Legal Department did anyway. Complicated contract, lots of signatures ala sangre and the like. It actually was a pretty easy sell for them. I believe the head of Legal said something like, "I've killed kittens just thinking about the opportunity to sit down at a table with her." We're not sure if he/it was making a Farkist remark or he/it, in fact, made yet another one of his/it's infamous raids on a Humane Society shelter. Before we completely digress off topic here we need to address the issue of awarding darth this week. For darth's recognition of the depths of our despicable business acumen here at Grendku Industries we give him the Malevolent Money-Making Movie Measure Award. Oh, and regarding Ms. Berry, we'd like to formally issue the statement that We'd Hit It.
kendra offers us a Grendku which we've aptly named Baby it's the calm before. While we would agree that the wrath of a woman is indeed a force of nature, one that most layers of Hell may recognize as their equals, there are more destructive forces in the universe. Our Science and Technical divisions have narrowed this list down to the following forces: White and red dwarves, neutron stars and black holes. kendra we offer unto you the Fiery Flames Fawn to Ferocious Feminine Fury Award.
vegasgustan shares with us something called "joy" in I do love the rain. We here at Grendku Industries are here to remind you that this "joy" thing to which he is referring and attempting to share with you is nothing more than a fleeting wisp of hope. A trickle of treacle which will soon dry and harden. Inhuman Resources has actually taken it upon themselves to write a thoroughly depressing award for vegas in hopes to squash any well being which may have been gleaned from this entry: All the Water in the World Won't Wash Away the World's Wrongs Award.
beo, who works for a subsidiary of Grendku Industries bitches and moans about our cruel treatment of him in Four thirty wake up. This one creation made it all worthwhile for us this week. We honestly thought that this exercise was just going to be one long masturbatory stint, but we can honestly say, this one brought tears of joy to our eyes. To reap the rewards of our attempts to sow malcontent, well, it's a rare gift for us. Beo, it's our distinct pleasure to slap you with the Silently Squirm Whilest We Squeeze Your Sack Award.
dragonfly is enjoying the still waters in Right now all is calm. We enjoy having things calm as well. One of our mottos for our employees is "A Still Tongue Makes for a Happy Life". Granted emotional upheaval does carry some weight here as well. Nothing like some office drama to stir up the pot and continue to distract the drones from our ever-obvious life-draining activities. How odd it is that through turmoil we gain calmness. Rather quaint don't you think? For dragonfly we have the Ironically Implored to Incite Ignition Award.
I believe this is normally where grend31 wraps things up. Preparation for mummification for the lot of you is under way.
-The Management
We understand he was under some obligation to give you something called "awards" for your contributions last week to Grendku Thursday. We've had to push this project towards our R&D team to actually find out what these "awards" are exactly. We've never heard of such before. Ah, this just in, apparently "awards" are some type of acknowledgement for a job well done. Most peculiar. Typically we just let people continue to retain most of their major organs and refrain from our more "effective" modes of encouraging greater productivity which is good, mind you, because our order for the latest model of barbed whips is still on backorder, shhhh.. don't tell the employees. The idea of presenting something positive to people seems a bit peculiar though as we've always taken it upon ourselves to ride the bleeding edge of cruelty in the name of stockholder profits.
We shall now present the Awards for Last Thursday's Grendku contributions to get this unseemly task behind us. If any of these awards bring you displeasure or do not meet your expectations, please feel free to fill out he necessary forms, schedule the necessary meetings and escalate things to the Executive Orafice as necessary. Please do not feed the Executive Orafice. Oh, and we aren't paying for all the fancy colored pixels either. Just be happy you are getting your awards at all.
katehopeeden will receive an award for her first creation, which R&D informs us is a "haiku". We agree with katehopeeden and believe that all of you should be offering more to us. We have high expectations of what we should get from each and every one of you. Your emotional energy certainly would fine but we would prefer that you sign over your Immortal Souls for our consumption. Please see Inhuman Resources for the necessary forms and contracts. We understand Grend31 typically tries to take time to find a creative name for these creations, but we have found no documentation which legally binds us to this commitment. Therefore we are calling katehopeeden's haiku Emotionally. Just remember, when you complain about us as non-creative soulless refuse in upper management, we're simply filling that much needed void in your life for such complaints. Now, for the award. katehopeeden shall receive the 'Dorse the Devil's Deed on the Drawn-out Dotted Dash Award.
dewdew will also receive an award for his first creation, also one of these "haikus". Not so much for the weathery images it gives us, but more for the fact that it pleasantly reminds us of the giant silver balls we have stationed above all of our employee's cubes. If an employee tries to get up before their daily prewaste intake / waste-expunging break, a giant blue bolt of electricity comes flashing down from high. IR is very proud of this invention. dewdew for making us chuckle at the pain we bring to others we are going to give you the Bringer of the Bitter Blue Bolt Award for Flicker, flicker, flash.
darth's solo entry this week, which we are naming goddess of weather, has caused a bit of an uproar in the office here. You see, we had a part in getting Ms. Berry that part. Well, our Legal Department did anyway. Complicated contract, lots of signatures ala sangre and the like. It actually was a pretty easy sell for them. I believe the head of Legal said something like, "I've killed kittens just thinking about the opportunity to sit down at a table with her." We're not sure if he/it was making a Farkist remark or he/it, in fact, made yet another one of his/it's infamous raids on a Humane Society shelter. Before we completely digress off topic here we need to address the issue of awarding darth this week. For darth's recognition of the depths of our despicable business acumen here at Grendku Industries we give him the Malevolent Money-Making Movie Measure Award. Oh, and regarding Ms. Berry, we'd like to formally issue the statement that We'd Hit It.
kendra offers us a Grendku which we've aptly named Baby it's the calm before. While we would agree that the wrath of a woman is indeed a force of nature, one that most layers of Hell may recognize as their equals, there are more destructive forces in the universe. Our Science and Technical divisions have narrowed this list down to the following forces: White and red dwarves, neutron stars and black holes. kendra we offer unto you the Fiery Flames Fawn to Ferocious Feminine Fury Award.
vegasgustan shares with us something called "joy" in I do love the rain. We here at Grendku Industries are here to remind you that this "joy" thing to which he is referring and attempting to share with you is nothing more than a fleeting wisp of hope. A trickle of treacle which will soon dry and harden. Inhuman Resources has actually taken it upon themselves to write a thoroughly depressing award for vegas in hopes to squash any well being which may have been gleaned from this entry: All the Water in the World Won't Wash Away the World's Wrongs Award.
beo, who works for a subsidiary of Grendku Industries bitches and moans about our cruel treatment of him in Four thirty wake up. This one creation made it all worthwhile for us this week. We honestly thought that this exercise was just going to be one long masturbatory stint, but we can honestly say, this one brought tears of joy to our eyes. To reap the rewards of our attempts to sow malcontent, well, it's a rare gift for us. Beo, it's our distinct pleasure to slap you with the Silently Squirm Whilest We Squeeze Your Sack Award.
dragonfly is enjoying the still waters in Right now all is calm. We enjoy having things calm as well. One of our mottos for our employees is "A Still Tongue Makes for a Happy Life". Granted emotional upheaval does carry some weight here as well. Nothing like some office drama to stir up the pot and continue to distract the drones from our ever-obvious life-draining activities. How odd it is that through turmoil we gain calmness. Rather quaint don't you think? For dragonfly we have the Ironically Implored to Incite Ignition Award.
I believe this is normally where grend31 wraps things up. Preparation for mummification for the lot of you is under way.
-The Management
5 Comments:
oh...well, i'd even hit it in the catwoman suit..just don't make me watch the dance number again.
grendku industries is a bully.
and everyone knows what happens to bullies...
a few years later they're married to the used up highschool tramp, crankin out screaming maggot babies and using food stamps for budweiser and government cheese.
so watch your big giant butt, grendku industries. i've got my eye on you.
*a muffled scream from down the dark hallway bellows*
"Beo, Kendra! Don't taunt them! It's not worth it! Darth, I'd hit it TWICE if she was in a Catwoman s..mrrrprhlrrlrlllrrrr.."
*deathly still silence falls upon The Lair*
How did I come out of that unscathed?
Unscathed is a relative term. Perhaps you just haven't found the scathing yet? ;)
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