Peppermint or Cherry?
So I'm sitting in my cube in the middle of the cube farm at work. Happily, quietly, quasi-contentedly minding my own business. A task that I have perfected to near-science. Perhaps someday I'll quit, start my own college which teaches the art of Minding One's own Business. From out of nowhere comes some poor bastard who has been mandated by my place of employ to put on a Santa costume and tote around a bag of not one but TWO flavors of candy canes. It is very important that there are TWO flavors, because we should all be given choices in our places of employ. Important ground-shaking earth-moving choices. I freeze like a deer at night on a highway. If I don't move... those two big lights can't see me, and I won't get hit, right? RIGHT??? WRONG. *BAM!* And this santa was no Yugo, he was an eighteen wheeler filled to the brim with candycanes that were sure as hell gonna get delivered.
MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING HARD??
I'm still in shock. My company wouldn't reduce me to a child in this blatant a fashion would they? The symbolism is too powerful for me here, I'm speechless, immobilized. Have I been profitable to the company? Have I earned my candy cane? They wouldn't possibly push me into the role of a child who has to be motivated by fear of not getting my candy cane in order to be good. They wouldn't do it? Would they? Oh, wait, they already do that in certain ways already.. so...
Clearly yes, yes they would.
I stare at him blankly for a few seconds, filtering out about a dozen inappropriate replies to this assault on my senses. I can come up with replies that range from either vulgar, off-color, or expressing profound pity for this poor man. I'm still in shock that this is happening. Words and phrases get dumped into my mental bit bucket so fast that my poor 486 brain processor locks up. I'm still unable to offer him anything resembling verbal communication. So Santa takes the initiative as he has a lot of people to hit today and moves this encounter along.
PEPPERMINT OR CHERRY??
I'm like Ralphie in A Christmas Story when he's visiting Santa. I'm in another place, swept away by the moment. Except that Ralphie's emotions were of awe and joy. Mine were of horror and disbelief. I dreamily reply: Cherry...
And he's on his merry way. Spreading sugar sticks throughout a building that hasn't seen raises or bonuses for several years now. I pity this man. Truly I do. How many looks like mine does he have to see today? Did he even flinch when he was assigned this task, knowing that any hint of defiance could very well push his family towards depending on unemployment checks? Probably not. Would I have flinched? Don't ask me, I don't want to even think about the answer.
Oh, and after the shock began to fade and I was left alone staring that this cherry candy cane, I realized I really wanted peppermint to boot. I know how you felt Ralphie. At least I missed the bit where he told me I couldn't have peppermint because I'd poke my eye out.
MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING HARD??
I'm still in shock. My company wouldn't reduce me to a child in this blatant a fashion would they? The symbolism is too powerful for me here, I'm speechless, immobilized. Have I been profitable to the company? Have I earned my candy cane? They wouldn't possibly push me into the role of a child who has to be motivated by fear of not getting my candy cane in order to be good. They wouldn't do it? Would they? Oh, wait, they already do that in certain ways already.. so...
Clearly yes, yes they would.
I stare at him blankly for a few seconds, filtering out about a dozen inappropriate replies to this assault on my senses. I can come up with replies that range from either vulgar, off-color, or expressing profound pity for this poor man. I'm still in shock that this is happening. Words and phrases get dumped into my mental bit bucket so fast that my poor 486 brain processor locks up. I'm still unable to offer him anything resembling verbal communication. So Santa takes the initiative as he has a lot of people to hit today and moves this encounter along.
PEPPERMINT OR CHERRY??
I'm like Ralphie in A Christmas Story when he's visiting Santa. I'm in another place, swept away by the moment. Except that Ralphie's emotions were of awe and joy. Mine were of horror and disbelief. I dreamily reply: Cherry...
And he's on his merry way. Spreading sugar sticks throughout a building that hasn't seen raises or bonuses for several years now. I pity this man. Truly I do. How many looks like mine does he have to see today? Did he even flinch when he was assigned this task, knowing that any hint of defiance could very well push his family towards depending on unemployment checks? Probably not. Would I have flinched? Don't ask me, I don't want to even think about the answer.
Oh, and after the shock began to fade and I was left alone staring that this cherry candy cane, I realized I really wanted peppermint to boot. I know how you felt Ralphie. At least I missed the bit where he told me I couldn't have peppermint because I'd poke my eye out.
2 Comments:
Yeah dude, peppermint is way better.
There's really nothing that can reward people appropriately for the pain and suffering they go through at work. Okay, there's the paycheck thing, but still.
We have a "Spork of Approval" that we pass around to people who have done good things. If you can't have a token that means something, why not make it meaningless?
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