A Toast to the Cretins
I'd like to take this moment to raise a crystal glass full of my best sparkling to all of the self-absorbed hit-and-run-bumper-dingers (this is a metaphor designed to encapsulate those who try to ram their way though life with little regard for what they hit) who firmly believe that they should get their way in the world because they lack the ability to refrain from escalating into unreasonable tones and using vulgarity unnecessarily in their day-to-day interactions in a vain attempt to get their way, despite the fact they are usually wildly and uncontrollably far over the border with both feet firmly planted in the Land of the Wrong and their pants dangling loosely around their ankles. With, of course, the expectation that we decent people do not point and laugh and their exposed bits. Which we don't, because we are courteous folk who catalogue these moments for future enjoyment with close friends behind closed doors. We often even keep the cretin's identity anonymous. Because that's the nice thing to do. Cheers cretins!
*take a drink*
These are the people that lower the bar so far that your average every-day honest-most-of-the-time Joes appear as shining paladins of justice and truth. Without these cretins, these average-day Joes would be so much closer to the bottom of the barrel. Average Joes often appear to be very tolerant of these cretins and even go so far as to buy these cretins rounds of drinks, but do not be fooled by this supposed generous gesture. This is a basic instinctual survival response they cannot control. By lubricating the cretin with spirits the average Joe greatly increases the depths to which the bar can sink, thereby elevating their own stature in the process. But enough about the average Joes, they are not why we are here today. Today is all about the cretins!
*take a drink*
These are the people that exercise the patience of those of us who believe that polite conversation can occur, even in the most difficult of circumstances. Without this exercise, our patience would get fat and lazy. We'd find our patience on the couch drinking beer after beer, watching awful reruns of sitcoms that should have been put out to pasture ages ago, demanding we make it a turkey pot pie, eventually ending said request with "bitch", and belching volcanically. So thank you cretins, for keeping my patience lean and mean. Well, lean at least!
*take a drink*
And ultimately these are the people who test the veracity of our commitment to decency. They taunt us to descend to the their level. They beckon us to join their fold. Sometimes the temptation is too great, and we slip. It happens. But something different happens to us when this occurs as compared to the cretin. We feel guilt. Remorse. This is an alien concept to the cretin, and we should feel pity in regards to their deficit. This sensation they are lacking is an incredible learning tool and it differentiates us from them.
And this fact alone warrants the raising of the glass to the cretin. This fact, that even within a unique species there can be grossly varied levels of evolution, is a reminder that we live in a universe of wondrous inexplicable mysteries.
So here's to you cretins!
*take a drink and slam*
You vapid, backwater, under-evolved @#@#$%#%#$!#$!@#s...
Whoops.. had a bit too much to drink.
Sorry 'bout that!
*take a drink*
These are the people that lower the bar so far that your average every-day honest-most-of-the-time Joes appear as shining paladins of justice and truth. Without these cretins, these average-day Joes would be so much closer to the bottom of the barrel. Average Joes often appear to be very tolerant of these cretins and even go so far as to buy these cretins rounds of drinks, but do not be fooled by this supposed generous gesture. This is a basic instinctual survival response they cannot control. By lubricating the cretin with spirits the average Joe greatly increases the depths to which the bar can sink, thereby elevating their own stature in the process. But enough about the average Joes, they are not why we are here today. Today is all about the cretins!
*take a drink*
These are the people that exercise the patience of those of us who believe that polite conversation can occur, even in the most difficult of circumstances. Without this exercise, our patience would get fat and lazy. We'd find our patience on the couch drinking beer after beer, watching awful reruns of sitcoms that should have been put out to pasture ages ago, demanding we make it a turkey pot pie, eventually ending said request with "bitch", and belching volcanically. So thank you cretins, for keeping my patience lean and mean. Well, lean at least!
*take a drink*
And ultimately these are the people who test the veracity of our commitment to decency. They taunt us to descend to the their level. They beckon us to join their fold. Sometimes the temptation is too great, and we slip. It happens. But something different happens to us when this occurs as compared to the cretin. We feel guilt. Remorse. This is an alien concept to the cretin, and we should feel pity in regards to their deficit. This sensation they are lacking is an incredible learning tool and it differentiates us from them.
And this fact alone warrants the raising of the glass to the cretin. This fact, that even within a unique species there can be grossly varied levels of evolution, is a reminder that we live in a universe of wondrous inexplicable mysteries.
So here's to you cretins!
*take a drink and slam*
You vapid, backwater, under-evolved @#@#$%#%#$!#$!@#s...
Whoops.. had a bit too much to drink.
Sorry 'bout that!
2 Comments:
Has it just now come to your attention that there are bottom-feeding, slime-crawling, flea-infested morons living among us?
No, you've been aware of them for too long, like I have. We just have to find a way to forget they exist unless their hideousness slaps us in the face, if only for the sake of our blood pressure, which is of course one of the reasons some of us blog.
Or write cranky status messages on Facebook.
Or eat far too much candy after a dipshit run-in, like I did today after realizing that when it snows this town is going to have ditches full of dipshits, because if a little rain makes them act the way they did earlier, the snow is really going to pick them up and toss them where they belong.
I have also found that weather is an absolutely fabulous Cretin-o-meter. It even helps to break down the Cretins into their subdivisions, ranging from the -25 MPH Because of a Light Range Cretin to the +10 MPH Even Though I'm on Sheet Ice Because I Drive a 4x4 Cretin. It really does help illuminate us as to what flavor of Cretin we are dealing with at the moment. Thank you weather!
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